DILEMMA- The Difficulties of Making Decisions for Our Lives

 

Hi guys~ It's the one and only Felix again.

    I have to confess one thing, I didn't really read through many chapters this time, but the reason behind it is that the chapters I've covered focus right on the inside voice of Connell, he conveyed his worries about the relationship with Marianne and also college applications. The chapters are very interesting and relatable, so I really want to have an in-depth reflection on these paragraphs. (it sounds like an excuse though) He had two choices, one is, to stay at his comfort zone and didn't need to worry about his social life and the drastic changes of his life, but on the other hand, he will lose Marianne eventually, because Marianne will move to another town and the chances they can get closer will be gone, and this is the last thing Connell would like to let it happen. But if he chose to major in English, he'll have to go to the same university as Marianne, but it means he will lose everything but Marianne. 

    He chose to conceal their relationship at school because he didn't want to put Marianne under the spotlight, but most importantly, he didn't want to lose friends and his social status. If their relationship got exposed, he'll become the boy that have sex with weirdos. He didn't want to break the balance between his socialize personality and his romance for Marianne, but college forced him to make decisions. He then fell into a dilemma which he wasn't able to find a way out. This setback had disturbed him for a long time and every time he wants to come up with a solution, it'll push him toward a deeper loop of self conflicts. Until one time, he invited Marianne to his house to "have fun", they had an in-depth conversation after about their upcoming college life, he finally made his decision. He didn't really tell Marianne about his worries but after he saw the reaction of her when he spoke about his thoughts of college application, he eventually found out that he cared more about Marianne than all the challenges he was going to face, his current determination is to not let Marianne down, and his biggest fear is the potential of him losing his love. 

    His dilemma got me thinking about the moment when I got the chance of auditioning for a big entertainment company in Korea. When I received the email from the company, I was thrilled and extremely excited. But after a short while, I fell into a dilemma just like Connell, it was always a dream for me to become a singer, but I'll have to sacrifice everything I have right now, boyfriends, school, and even my family. Also, the uncertainty of being successful in the entertainment industry pulled me back. This is when my anxiety hits me so hard, I can't imagine the life without my boyfriend, it sounds very childish for a 20-year-old college student to say such thing, but our bond is very strong to a point that I have already dragged him into my future blueprint of life, and becoming a trainee means I have to "ditch" him and it's just not in my plan, also, I'll have to quit school to focus on becoming a singer, but if I didn't survive from the monthly evaluation for trainees, I'll have to go home, if so, how am I supposed to continue my previous plan. I convey my thoughts to my boyfriend and he said to me, why are you being so worried even though you haven't even try it? So I finally went to the audition, as soon as I finished, the company told me to sign the contrast with them to make sure how things are set, I told them that I need to think more about it. They gave me three days to reconsider and I need to contact them three days later whether what my decision is. 

    I went home and my boyfriend was waiting for me to tell him about the result, just as I imagine, he told me to go try it, but his face told the different. I asked him once again what should I do, he became silence, and he looked straight into my eyes and asked me, what's really in my mind. That is the moment I decide to turn down the opportunity of accomplishing my dream. I wasn't brave enough to give up everything I have currently just to chase a dream that maybe won't come true. I'm happy to stay in the current situation where my surroundings are full of energy and happiness. I then came to realize that I put my boyfriend as my priority in front of anything else, it can sometimes be toxic, but in my opinion, this is my respect to his ideas and thoughts. But I have to tell myself all the time that I'm living my life, if we got into the similar situation like this time, and he told me to do the things that isn't my intentions or I don't want to, I'll have to come up with a solution that can balance my actions and his expectations.

    After I read through more chapters, I can realize why some people call this novel as their life story, the plot itself is very relatable and fun to read, every chapter has some little things you can reflect it to yourself and can some how help you to solve your difficulties in any ways. Another thing I want to point out is that the author is very good at portraying the scene, she can describe the scene in details and it really helps me immerse into the story, as I'm reading the content, it just feels like the movie is playing in my mind so I can really reflect my life onto the plot. 

    The time flies very fast in this novel, the chapters can be stories that happened months or years later, which I'm guessing the next chapter will mainly focus on their college life. I want to see how the two character deal with the drastic changes in their lives and the challenges they are going to face, I'm looking forward to seeing how their relationship will go and their reaction of it. Also, this novel had been adapted into series which you can watch it online, if you want to know more about the story, and can't wait to see it since I'm uploading my log once two weeks, you can search it up online and watch the series. I bet it's amazing, but a quick disclaimer, the plot in the series maybe a little different from the novel, so if you watched the series, we can discuss the plot in the comment section below, I'll be very happy if you do so. <3

    See u in the next log, love u guys~